11:22 p.m.-4:43am - 2010-02-16-17
THE NEWS AT NOON
WELCOME BACK TO THE NEWS AT NOON I'M SAM MAPLETHORPE WITH A LATE BREAKING REPORT FROM OUR MAN IN THE FIELD ATLAS MUNSCH
SAM I AM CURRENTLY REEALALEERING ALONG THE INTERSTATE FOLLOWING THE MOTORCADE THAT WILL TRANSPORT THE FROZEN SEMEN OF ADOLPH HITLER TO A SECURE SAFETY DEPOSIT BOX AT AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION. EARLY THIS MORNING DNA TESTING REVEALED THAT THE SEMEN SHOWED AN EXACT GENETIC CORRESPONDENCE WITH A HAIR SAMPLE TAKEN FROM HITLER'S PERSONAL COMB. AS WORD SPREAD THE SEMEN DID IN FACT COME FROM THE NAZI LEADER A DELUGE OF JEWISH RIGHTS GROUPS DESCENDED ON CITY HALL TO PROTEST THE MONETIZATION OF THE HOLOCAUST WHILE ARYAN NATION AND KU KLUX KLAN MEMBERS CONTINUE TO ARRIVE IN WAVES AND HAVE BEEN CONDUCTING IMPROMPTU PARADES THAT ARE CAUSING MAJOR DISRUPTION TO TRAFFIC. TENSION IS HIGH AND SECURITY IS TIGHT AROUND WALTZER PLACE AS RIOT POLICE STRUGGLE TO KEEP THE CROWD UNDER CONTROL. BACK TO YOU SAM.
THANK YOU ATLAS WE WILL HAVE MORE WITH ATLAS MUNSCH REPORTING LIVE FROM THE GROUND AS THE SITUATION DEVELOPS. TO GIVE SOME CONTEXT TO THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE JUST TUNING IN, THE SEMEN THAT INTERNATIONAL SOCCER STAR DOMINGO PANADOR CLAIMED BELONGED TO ADOLPH HITLER HAS BEEN CONFIRMED TO CONTAIN THE PRESERVED SEMEN OF THE DECEASED AUSTRIAN DICTATOR. PANADOR ATTESTED TO ITS VERACITY DURING A TELEVISED GAME OF HIGH STAKES POKER IN WHICH TOM "TEX" TANNER RAISED THE BETTING POOL BY TWELVE MILLION BILLION DOLLARS. PANADOR, WHO HELD A ROYAL FLUSH, FELT CONFIDENT OF WINNING THE HAND BUT DID NOT HAVE ENOUGH CERTIFIED CURRENCY TO MATCH THE POOL. HE CLAIMED HE COULD PAY WITH A VALUABLE OBJECT WHICH WAS REVEALED TO BE THE PRESERVED SEMEN OF ADOLPH HITLER. ELICITING TANNER'S AGREEMENT THAT IF THE FROZEN FLUID PASSED DNA ANALYSIS IT WOULD MATCH HIS BET, THE INTERNATIONAL POKER FEDERATION DECLARED AN UNHEARD OF TWELVE DAY STAY ON PLAYING THE HAND WHILE DNA TESTING WAS PERFORMED. THE PLAY TABLE HAS REMAINED UNDISTURBED UNDER LOCK AND KEY WHILE PANADOR AND TANNER ARE ISOLATED FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD IN A NUCLEAR FALLOUT SHELTER. THIS BIZARRE CIRCUMSTANCE HAS SPAWNED A VIRAL BETTING PHENOMENON OF ITS OWN IN WHICH IT IS ESTIMATED THAT TENS OF TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS WERE WON AND LOST ON THE OUTCOME OF THIS MORNING'S DNA RESULTS, SENDING SEVERAL SMALL ECONOMIES INTO A NOSE DIVE AND NEARLY ECLIPSING THE ORIGINAL WAGER......HOLD ON FOLKS...........WE HAVE JUST RECEIVED WORD THAT TEX TANNER HAS OFFICIALLY ACCEPTED THE BET AS HAS THE INTERNATIONAL POKER FEDERATION. PLAY WILL RESUME AT TEN PM EASTERN STANDARD TIME. IF YOU WANT TO WITNESS LIVE THE MOST EXPENSIVE POKER HAND EVER PLAYED TUNE IN TO PAY PER VIEW CHANNEL ONE FOURTEEN OR CONTACT YOUR LOCAL CABLE PROVIDER TODAY. I KNOW THE QUESTION ON EVERYONES MIND, HOW WILL DOMINGO PANADOR REACT WHEN TEX TANNER LAYS DOWN HIS FOUR OF A KIND?
